How To Support a Friend With Cancer

Last month, I shared a blog post about the concept of cancer ghosting. Ghosting is exactly what it sounds like – losing friendships as a result of your cancer diagnosis. So I thought it would be appropriate to also share some tips on how to support a friend with cancer as an antidote to this phenomenon. 

During my own journey with cancer, unfortunately, I also experienced cancer ghosting, I also experienced many great friends being there for me in the best ways possible. In fact, one of the biggest takeaways from my cancer experience was learning on a very deep level just how much people wanted to be there for me.

So if you have a friend with cancer, and you are wondering what the best ways to support them are, keep reading. 

How To Support a Friend With Cancer

Here are some things I’ve learned throughout my journey as a cancer survivor, as well as in my practice as a cancer therapist.

Remember that the rallying effect is not always permanent 

The first thing to know is that when someone is newly diagnosed with cancer, they often experience lots of support from family and friends. However, it’s common for this support to begin to fade. We tend to focus most on the initial diagnosis and treatment time, not the long haul.

People get caught up in their own lives and once they see that someone is “doing ok” with their treatment, they may not check in as often or at all.

Look for ways that you can remain supportive over time. 

Your Support Doesn’t Always Have To Be Big

Sometimes, things as simple as sending an “I’m thinking of you” text can go a really long way. Your friend will most appreciate your listening ear versus suggestions, tips, or advice.

You don’t have to make a grand gesture to show your support– simply being there to listen is huge.

Offer Your Help in Specific Ways

It’s very hard for people to ask for help, so when we say things to our friends and family like, “What can I do for you?” Likely, we won’t get very far. 

 Instead, offer to step in with specific things when you see a need. 

This can be things like picking up dinner for their family, offering to run an errand, assisting with childcare, or even offering to clean their house for them. 

Support like this is really helpful and will make your friend or family member feel cared for. 

How Not to Support a Friend With Cancer

While well-meaning, there are some things we do when we’re trying to support a loved one through a difficult time that are actually not helpful, and possibly even offensive. 

Here are some things not to do if you have a friend recently diagnosed with cancer:

• Don’t remind them of past behaviors that could have caused their cancer (like smoking). They most likely feel incredibly guilty already, and that reminder is not helpful.
  

• Don’t offer medical or nutritional advice. Even if there is something that worked well for another friend or family member of yours, your well-meaning suggestions are often not as helpful as you think and could contradict their oncologist’s recommendations.
  

• Don’t try to change their mind about how they decide to proceed (or not proceed) with treatment. This can be one of the most difficult parts of supporting a friend through cancer, but respecting your friend’s decision, whatever it may be, is the most supportive thing you can do. [Friends or family members struggling with a loved one’s decision regarding treatment– therapy can be a big help.]
  

• Don’t assume they can no longer do things they would have done previously, even when it comes to their job. Let them tell you what their struggles are and what modifications they’ve had to make to their life, either at home or professionally. 

Cancer Navigator

If you or a loved one is struggling with a new cancer diagnosis, talking about it with a counselor can be very beneficial. 

If you are in Pennsylvania, I offer cancer counseling services to patients, family members, and caregivers. 

Reach out to me through my contact form if you’d like to schedule a complimentary consultation call to see if this would be a good fit for you.